Archive | March, 2012

“Growing Up in a Western World”

26 Mar

I’ve always wondered what it would feel like

To have grown up in the “western world”

To be taught on tarred streets how to ride a bike

(Where are the tarred streets? Where is the money to even buy a bike? Which parents have the time to teach you such? )

To have muffins, toast and fried eggs (brown side up) for breakfast.

(Rotflmao, I’m pretty sure the only place this exists is in movies/books; You better get your bowl of Akamu and beancake “Akara” with immediate effect. )

To have parents you can address like peers

(Honestly? How on earth is that possible)

To have friends that are classified as “Cool”

To have a “Social Life” and a “Social status/Grade”

To be able to sneak in through the bedroom window

To have a crush on the neighbor’s hot daughter

To talk to your parents

(We are always getting talked at, talked about, talked around, talked for but never To.)

To have a crush on a sexy cheerleader

To have “Me Time” (WTF!!!)

To be a quarterback!!!

(P.S They are always “Hot”)

To go hiking

To have the option of leaving school anytime without being flogged

To have sleep-overs at friend’s place

To have a step sister who I end up losing my virginity to

To love both a vampire and a werewolf almost equally and still live a normal life at school/home

(How does that work??)

To kiss your girlfriend in public without being looked at curiously by passersby

To have an affair with my friend’s hot mum without the risk of being “Jazzed”

To see UFOs and other Alien space crafts

And Finally

To be Grounded!!!

 

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Awkward? I know………..

15 Mar

I’ve never written one of these before, so I guess I’ll just give it a shot and see what happens:

I work at a privately owned Geographical Information System firm, which has absolutely no relevance to the Computer Information System I spent four years of my Life reading in the University; thinking I would be employed by an I.T firm that would pay me a whole lot of money and other quirks attached to working in a big firm.

Anyways I work in the I.T department, and to say the truth, its fun working in the I.T department cause we do almost nothing for days on end, and suddenly we would be working our asses off for weeks trying to meet up to a deadline. When I said I.T department, the whole department comprises Me, Myself and I, so when I say it is fun, I guess that means I have a whole lot of time to watch movies, surf the web, tweet…………… (I do a whole lot of that) and download softwares.

I got to the Office one morning after an unusually heavy breakfast to find out that My boss had apportioned a lot of work to my desk; I faithfully sat at my desk to embark on the day’s activities when suddenly I heard a rumbling sound “turum turum”, I looked furtively around to be sure I was the only one that heard it and I continued with my work, ignoring the sound. Ten minutes later I felt some flatulence building up in my stomach, and as I re-positioned myself to let go a “silent killer” , I felt that wetness that would only be accompanied by peppery, watery, and very loud shit. I quickly stood up and rushed to our restroom, I got to the door before I realized I didn’t pick the key. I quickly held on to the wall for support as the urge to shit myself increased, why is it that when you’re on your way to the rest room, the urge multiplies exponentially?.

Anyways I dashed back and grabbed the keys from the secretary’s table and rushed inside the rest room, just pulling my trousers half way down to “do my thing” (Thank God I was not wearing my carrot jeans). It was after the first round left my being that I noticed I left the toilet door open, and the toilet is designed such that as you come in, the wash hand basins are on the right, and the toilets proper is to the left with doors for privacy, it was this toilet door that I left open.

By this time I was half relieved already and the rivulets of sweat previously running down my face had reduced, I half stood and pushed the door, but not with all of my strength because I could feel another round coming down so I quickly sat and flinched a bit while it was flushed out of my being. Unknown to me while I was laboring in the toilet, the company secretary who was some weeks pregnant apparently felt irritated, so she had to come use the toilet, the wash basins precisely.

Immediately I heard the clickety clack of her heels I panicked and lunged for the door, forgetting that my trouser was halfway down and landed in very “un-gentlemanly” manner on the concrete floor of our toilet, half naked, shit stuck to my bum and looking the complete fool. The secretary came in while I was still scrambling to either pull up my trousers to cover a very dirty bum or fake a convulsion and lie still, or just do something that would save me from this embarrassing situation; one look at me and she couldn’t help but burst out laughing and in the process throwing up all over the place, my trousers and bottom region inclusive.

Meanwhile a colleague saw the secretary as she rushed out, so she quickly round up what she was doing to come and render assistance to her; “Deke are you alright now?” was the last thing she said before she rushed in and saw the scene, my pitiful self on the floor now siting against the wall covered in shit and sputum, “deke” on the other hand was leaning against the wash hand basin, apologizing profusely.

I summoned up courage and stood up, not minding that my manhood was displayed in its full glory and left the two of them to enter the toilet and finish up my business.

P.S This really did happen. Don’t know the right title to give to it, so have a go at it after reading through.

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