My First…

22 Jun

This one is dedicated to @Hardeyi Happy Belated Birthday Bro………. I know it’s coming in late but ‘Better Late than Never’ Right?? 😉 Hope you had fun though…. Enjoy 😉 😀

I’d been eyeing Chiamaka since the minute I set foot in that neighborhood, she was the only girl I “saw” in the area; it was love at first sight, but I wasn’t brave enough to walk up to her to tell her how I felt, I had to send her Elder brother who was a close friend to arrange a meeting. She walked into the eatery and time stood still, I watched in 3DHD as she walked down to my seat giving me a smile displaying a set of teeth that shone, I felt so proud of myself. As I stood up to play the ‘Perfect Gentleman’ , I suddenly felt a rumbling in my stomach signaling flatulence, and it would be a big one I envisaged; quickly I straightened up and removed her chair for her, settled her down into her seat and excused myself to use the men’s room. I silently cursed the pate of beans I ate the night before that threatened to thwart all my chances with her, as I technically ripped off the farts as soon as I was a safe distance away from her, or so I thought because by the time I got back from the toilet, I beheld a sight that was outrageously embarrassing. All the diners in the eatery were holding their hands to their nostrils, choking on their own breath as a result of my fart; as fate would have it, I was the only one coming out of the men’s room at that moment so all accusing fingers pointed at me. I tried to salvage what was left of my dignity by fanning the air with my hands and making choking sounds too but the effort was left to naught as a mischievous boy ran to my ass and smelt it proudly proclaiming loudly in the eatery “He Farted” (In conc Yoruba accent ‘Awon na Buso’ ). That was the proverbial needle that broke the camel’s back because Chiamaka stood up, walked towards me and gave me a resounding slap….!!!!!

Seyi! Seyi! I felt another slap on my face as my dream was mercifully cut short and I shouted out “I’m sorry now” “sorry about what!!!” My mother thundered, “Will you stand up now and go prepare for Church?” she continued. I sat up on the bed as I rubbed my cheek sorely dreading the rest of the morning as I was sure she would give me an earful for not waking up until she slapped me on the face which was the height of it. My Mum normally wakes us up in stages, and a Slap to the face is the final stage (In Mortal Kombat it’s called “FINISH HIM”); first she would call your name, knocking your door twice then give you like 2mins after which she comes into the room; second she would start slapping your leg softly for like 10secs, still calling your name. Stage four is when she starts getting annoyed, her voice is a little higher now calling your name in full “OluwaSeyii”, stretching the last syllable, if at this time you’re not up, your ass is gone because the next stage is a bowl of water on your face after which she rounds it all up with a resounding Slap, two in my own case. So as it stood, my pillow was already wet, and my head was pounding maybe as a result of the “Double combo” slap I got (Both from Chiamaka and my Mum) as I made my way to the bathroom to relieve myself. I quickly went about my morning duties suffering a little from a pounding headache and a soliloquy from my Mum about the dangers of excessive sleeping and so on, until everyone in the house knew that I really overdid it this time; all of them throwing in their own anecdotes to buttress an already overstressed point. By the time we were ready for church though, it had all turned into a joke as everyone was in high spirits making fun of me and my sleep, of the fact that Mum had to go to such an extreme, mimicking Mum’s way of waking us up and other funny awkward moments at home.

As we made our way to church, I spotted Chiamaka leaving her house and I wished my Dad would drive faster so I could catch a glimpse of her face before she turned into the corner and maybe I would chance a wave at her. Though we caught up to her, my hand froze at the thought of waving at her lest she ignores or do something worse; but though the spirit was willing as they say, the flesh was just too weak. I silently watched on, too dazed to even smile, I kept looking straight at her. Service was in our headquarter church which was very far from our house that faithful Sabbath so we had to drive a longer distance, almost 30mins till we got to the church; as we entered the premises of church I spotted friends that we’d known each other since we were little kids but had not seen because our parents attended different churches. I quickly detached myself from family, and started “rolling” with my friends all over the church premises, catching up with one another and generally having fun.

Very soon we were predictably tired and bored of the program so the bravest of us (which I was one 😉 ) sneaked out of the church and made for surrounding shops, three guys, myself towering over the remaining two. 3 of us met at a youth camp for the church the year before and we’d been inseparable ever since; we were notorious for our blatant disregard for authority at the camp and our funny, snide comments at the programs, I had so much fun at the camp with I.K and Precious though they were both igbos, and I was the only Yoruba. We became like brothers (In Ghanaian accent). After walking to the market in the area, we were on our way back when we noticed a beer parlor by the road side, and seeing as we’d been walking since in the hot sun, IK suggested we cool off with some minerals at least. To my utmost surprise, IK ordered a bottle of Star, I couldn’t believe my eyes I’d never even been inside a beer parlor, not to talk of taking alcohol; He turned to me and asked what I would take but I was tongue tied, “I’m about to lose face in front of these guys sha” I thought “and na me tall pass, make me sef carry one jare” I concluded. “Same” I told him and Precious to my chagrin now settled for a bottle of Maltina, but the deed was done, the beer had to be drunk. After two bottles, and endless trips to the bathroom, we stood up and started on our way back to the church premises; I wasn’t feeling unusual so I felt proud of myself, saying “you’re now a man” repeatedly. We were wise enough to buy some Tom-Tom on our way back so it masked the stench that usually accompanies alcohol (I don’t think that works though) and soon enough we were done at Church. I started feeling a little tipsy by the time we had gone half the distance home, saying a whole lot of gibberish, laughing out loud at everything and anything, just generally making a fool of myself, but by the time we got home, it was a totally different story.

Thankfully, my parents had to go for a meeting so I came home with my elder siblings, who really had no idea what was happening though or they acted like they didn’t, acting normally like everything was okay. After I forced food down my throat, I went out of the house still very much tipsy and disoriented; I stumbled upon Emmanuel, Chiamaka’s younger brother and told him to go get Chiamaka that I wanted to talk to her. “You mean Bro Kelechi?” He inquired confused “Chiamaka” I emphasized “and run along joorr” I added as I climbed the short wall beside their gate, nodding my head to the “mysterious imaginary music” playing through my ears.

I heard the bang of the door inside the house, signaling that someone would soon be at the gate; I made as if to jump down but suddenly the ground looked too far away, like it was moving nearer and farther away every second. As I heard the rattle of the lock of the gate been drawn backwards, I quickly made a decision to jump, and to my surprise I found out that the ground was exactly below my feet thus making a total fool of myself as I jumped and tripped on my own feet, falling face down on the sand. The gate was already open by this time and as I quickly tried to stand up, I only succeeded in raising a cloud of dust over myself, tripping and falling several times; just as I found my footing and crouched to raise my head up, I couldn’t stomach it again as I vomited thoroughly at the feet of whoever it was that stepped out of the gate. The dust had not completely cleared all this while so I had no idea who was outside until I raised my head up after totally emptying my stomach at his/her feet, and clearing my throat, spitting out every drop of alcohol inside my system, to find out it was Chiamaka’s Father…..

 

PS: There are no sequels to this that’s why it’s long, so please don’t ask me; I have so many unfinished ones already and I don’t want to add to it.

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16 Responses to “My First…”

  1. @Oluwa_kemmy June 22, 2012 at 4:06 pm #

    Lmao!!!! Nyc write up…… (Y)

  2. hardehyi June 22, 2012 at 4:30 pm #

    LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!

  3. aanuajayi June 22, 2012 at 4:32 pm #

    Abegi, stop all these John Grisham parole and finish the write up joor! Ewo ni suspense? LOL. Enjoyed reading it, and that is the greatest compliment u can get from a hard-to-please fanatic like myself.

  4. jadesola June 22, 2012 at 4:33 pm #

    😀 Y? ur day couldnt av gotten worse dan dat. i enjoyed readin dis n i hope u’ve got more. (Y)

    • teekellz June 22, 2012 at 5:11 pm #

      Check the previous posts…….. Hope you enjoy em too

  5. funmi June 22, 2012 at 5:05 pm #

    Rotflmao u re so dead

  6. missodun June 22, 2012 at 5:18 pm #

    I swear iono what to say.this is hilarious.altho it really does feel incomplete.nyc,real nice.

  7. BimbyZ June 22, 2012 at 5:30 pm #

    Ghen gheun! U af enter it! Nice tho’.

  8. Haneeta June 22, 2012 at 5:53 pm #

    Niceeeeeeeeeeeeee

  9. lamzierouge June 22, 2012 at 6:00 pm #

    Lovely piece, very graphic I might add. I actually pictured the whole scenes. Nice one

  10. caramel June 22, 2012 at 6:05 pm #

    Nice. U made me laugh. 🙂

  11. @courtney_winkn June 22, 2012 at 7:14 pm #

    Rolling on d pointest point (y). Serzly I lOVE it. Finish it b4 I give U̶̲̥̅̊ 3rd slap

  12. Ryo Minkail June 23, 2012 at 12:59 am #

    I love this

  13. olalonpe June 23, 2012 at 10:36 am #

    Hahahahaahahah dats a funny one nd a lovely piece at dat……..kudos tolu

  14. guzeshow July 8, 2012 at 7:17 am #

    I can’t stop laughing double combo slap. Nice one bro

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